MORTICIAN: He hasn't got shit all over him.ĪRTHUR: Old Man, sorry. Look, isn't thereĭEAD PERSON: I feel happy. MORTICIAN: Naaah, I got to go on to Robinson's - they've lost nineĬUSTOMER: You're not fooling anyone y'know. MORTICIAN: Oh, I can't take him like that - it's against regulations.ĭEAD PERSON: I don't want to go in the cart!ĬUSTOMER: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't MORTICIAN: Here - he says he's not dead!ĬUSTOMER: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.ĬUSTOMER: No, you're not - you'll be stone dead in a moment. GUARD #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?ĬUSTOMER: Nothing - here's your nine pence. GUARD #2: Well, simple! They'd just use a standard creeper! GUARD #1: No, they'd have to have it on a line. GUARD #2: Wait a minute - supposing two swallows carried it together?

GUARD #1: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway. GUARD #1: But then of course African swallows are not migratory. GUARD #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a EuropeanĪRTHUR: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court GUARD #2: It could be carried by an African swallow! Needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right? GUARD #1: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow That Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here. Question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a 1 poundĪRTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. GUARD #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple GUARD #1: What - a swallow carrying a coconut? GUARD #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?ĪRTHUR: Not at all, they could be carried. Or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not GUARD #1: Well, this is a temperate zone.ĪRTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin GUARD #1: Found them? In Mercea? The coconut's tropical! Land, through the kingdom of Mercea, through. GUARD #1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin'ĪRTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this

We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights King of the Britons, defeator of the Saxons, sovereignĪRTHUR: I am. Note: The script ends with the wordsĪRTHUR: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle The strictly unofficial script of the movie, done in a fit of boredom by Touched up again by (How time flies) Fixed by FDW and SAW

Of Monty Python is a looney.-sacred-texts editor Obviously the original is copyrighted and anyoneĪttempting to exploit this file commercially without permission Note: this is a transcript of the movie producedīy an anonymous fan. Monty Python and the Holy Grail Sacred-Texts Legends and Sagas

An Old Man by Eric M. Black